By Kevin Henkin

As people who are fond of clichés like to say, life is often stranger than fiction. After all, what kind of Celtics’ year could begin with an 18 game losing streak (originated on January 7th) and end with the team leading the league in wins and all relevant defensive categories? And yet, the men in green still strive for greater improvement, as evidenced by their rumored recently sworn 2008 new years resolutions, detailed as follows:

Kevin Garnett – Resolves to leap tall buildings in a single bound, which is about all the Big Ticket hasn’t done for his new team already. Also resolves to drive Rasheed Wallace clinically insane by Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

Paul Pierce – Resolves to keep that chip on his shoulder firmly in place because it serves him so well. Also resolves to continue channeling frustrations from dirty or rough defenders (e.g. Ron Artest, Matt Harpring and Jamaal Tinsley) into gritty offensive performances. Lastly, resolves not to call Antoine Walker in the middle of the night and giggle like a schoolgirl into his answering machine.

Ray Allen – Resolves to win at least three more games with back-breaking last-second three pointers and to continue earning his nickname of That Smooth Killer That Is Ray Allen.

Kendrick Perkins – Resolves to avoid killing any opponents with his bare hands (same every year). Also resolves to keep the ball above the shoulders on offensive rebounds and to smile at least once per game.

Rajon Rondo – Resolves to take the open jumper. Also resolves to grow three inches in order to be able to stack up against Chauncey Billups and to utilize speed to consistently stay in front of his man on defense.

James Posey – Resolves to draw at least one charge on each player in the NBA not wearing a Celtics uniform. Also resolves to provide longer pre-game hugs to his starting teammates.

Eddie House – Resolves to overcome latent fear of full court presses and one-year contracts. Also resolves to increase the quickness on his catch-and-shoot release span to the speed of sound.

Glen “Big Baby” Davis – Resolves to prove that he can actually slam dunk the ball during a game. Also resolves to quietly remind everyone with his play that he was a throw-in second rounder in the Ray Allen trade.

Scot Pollard – Resolves to single-handedly usher Chester Arthur’s bushy muttonchops back into style. Also resolves to utilize J.D. Drew’s oxygen chamber as a means of avoiding any further inexplicable injuries.

Tony Allen – Resolves to finish every fast break or drive to the basket with a thunderous dunk, thus conquering of his fear of blowing out his knee again.

Brian Scalabrine – Resolves to keep his chin up and remember that his value to this team is far from limited to his in-game minutes.

Leon Powe – Resolves to stop wishing terrible things upon Glen Davis, who has unceremoniously stolen his role as the “young physical energy guy with six fouls to burn”. Also resolves to grow his hair out into an afro to avoid any further resemblance comparisons to Tracy Morgan of SNL and 30 Rock fame so people will stop randomly shouting “I’m Brian Fellows!” at him.

On a personal note, I resolve to continue to thoroughly enjoy writing about this particular incarnation of the Boston Celtics. Let me put it thusly: We’re onto something special here, folks. If there were any doubters about lack of scheduling difficulty before this past week as a means of undermining their impressive record, let me present to you the just completed west coast swing as Exhibit A as evidence otherwise. This team is for real.

By Mike Brilliant

This week was first quarterly exam time for the Celts. The exam started out as a true test of toughness with a game against the playoff grizzled, crunch time battled, former champions – the Detroit Pistons. Then the Celts eased back into playing the underachieving Chicago Bulls while finishing off the week trying to avenge a 2 point loss against the up and coming Magic. Let’s see how the Celts fared with the grades just out from the professor….

Coach Doc Rivers: C (Tom Thibodeau: A++++)

Doc was tested in the Detroit game. He got a taste of what the playoffs will be like. Simple coaching adjustments can make or break a game. Flip Saunders went to Billups throughout the 4th quarter to take advantage of his size advantage over Rondo. Rivers’s counter move was to insert Tony Allen to cover Billups. Allen created a turnover on Detroit’s second to last possession seemingly leading to the Celts getting the last shot to win. Unfortunately, Allen was also on Billups on the last possession, biting on his upfake with 0.1 left on the game clock. Game over.

Otherwise, I didn’t mind the play that Doc called on the Celts last possession versus Detroit.

Option 1: Ray Allen was to inbound the ball to Garnett who in turn could post up his man or go back to Allen or Pierce.

Option 2: Allen inbounds to an open Pierce who takes his man for the winning shot.
We all know what happened. Is it Doc’s fault? Or the players (Allen and/or Pierce)?

Ultimately I think the blame falls on Doc for time management and the players’ decision making.

Overall, the Celtics’ defense was terrific all week. Props to Tom Thibodeau! And to my colleague Kevin Henkin for mentioning in his article that Tommy T. needs more accolades.

Paul Pierce: B

The Captain really struggled against Detroit. Tayshaun Prince is a tough matchup for anyone because he’s got freakishly long arms. Pierce shot 5-16 that night. Of course, the 16th shot was the most important, which he missed AND left 3.7 ticks on the clock. This was just enough time for Billups and the Pistons to upfake their way to a win. Pierce did have outstanding games against Chicago (22 points and 7 boards) and Orlando (24 points and 6 assists). The Chicago game impressed me the most. Luol Deng has consistently shut down Paul the last 2 years, but Pierce rose above and shot an efficient 6-11, including 4-6 on threes in the blowout win.

Kevin Garnett: A-

Garnett posted 26 and 12 vs. Detroit and 21 and 12 vs. Orlando. And, of course, stellar defense. As a plus, by blowing out Chicago, the Celtics only needed him for 25 minutes on Friday night. Limiting KG’s minutes will be important with four games in five nights on the left coast next week.

Ray Allen: A-

Look who’s ankles are feeling better…… to the tune of 39 minutes a game this week. Allen averaged over 21 points while shooting 55% from the field and 50% from downtown, which is just what we ordered from this all-star with the trade for him last summer. When it comes to playing time for Allen, see the KG comments above.

Rajon Rondo: A+

It was a big week for Rondo. He averaged 15 points, 6 assists, 5 boards and 3 steals while shooting 60% from the floor. He scored a career high 23 versus Orlando and even hit 2 threes! Now if only he could grow 3 inches. Doc removed him from the Detroit game in favor of the less vertically challenged T. Allen. Next time we may see Rondo in there…..

Kendrick Perkins: B

Perkins played well against Orlando, pulling down 12 boards. Otherwise it was business as usual, taking about 6 shots a game and playing good defense. There didn’t appear to be any ill affects from the toe injury from the week before.

James Posey: B-

Posey went scoreless in 2 of the 3 games. However, his defensive intensity makes up for any games he may be offensively challenged, which hasn’t been many times this year anyway. He’s always up for hitting a big 3 ball. Maybe Posey should have been inserted to guard Billups last Wednesday? Just a thought, considering Chauncey’s size.

Eddie House: C-

House showed his non-traditional point guard skills (or lack thereof) against Detroit, especially with his difficulty in getting the ball over half court against Lindsey Hunter. He was also a defensive liability in that game. For all the good he has done off the bench this year, that game in particular revealed his weaknesses. I’m reasonably sure one of the available roster spots will be allocated to obtaining a true point.

Tony Allen: B

Allen played a key role in deciding the Detroit game. H e played good D on Billups, causing a key turnover with only seconds left. However, he then got schooled on a Billups upfake that cost the Celts the game only seconds later. The good news was Allen’s performance in the next game against Chicago, where he had 2 jams and a balanced line of 12 points, 5 boards, 2 dimes and 3 steals in 23 minutes.

Big Baby Davis: C

Not much of a factor this week. The starters played about 40 minutes a game in the Detroit and Orlando games limiting Big Baby’s minutes. He did play 18 non-eventful minutes in the Chicago game.

Brian Scalabrine: C

Two DNP’s and only 7 minutes of scrub time in the Chicago game. If the Celtics make any trades this year, his $3 million + salary will be useful.

Scot Pollard: B-

Pollard racked up 7 fouls in 20 minutes of action this week. But somehow he did his job even though he scored 1 point and pulled down 1 board.

Side note: My partner on the “Give and Go” articles, Al Assner, loves Pollard. Pollard is Al’s binky just like Walter McCarty was to Tommy. I suggested Al grow long sideburns and wear a headband to work, just like Scotie P.

Leon Powe: Incomplete

Leon saw 5 minutes in the 4th quarter of the Bulls game. He sharpened his elbows and got to the line 3 times for 4 points.

Gabe Pruitt: Incomplete

DNP x 3

Brandon Wallace: Sionara

Wallace was cut this week so his contract would not be guaranteed. He might have a future in the NBA, but he was too raw to contribute to this team. The roster spot will prove to be more valuable come February.

Gary Payton: B

Payton gets a B. As in “B” for begging to get back on the Celts. Travis Best get’s a “B-” for also begging, but not as loudly.

By Kevin Henkin

Ah yes, with the preponderance of lights and carols and good cheer, it can only mean one thing: Festivus season has finally arrived. I’d like to officially roll out the holiday with the special tradition commonly known as the Airing of Grievances, Full Court Press-style.

Grievance #1 – Hey Doc, give Tom Thibodeau some credit!

Whenever Doc Rivers is asked why his team is so much better on defense this year as compared to last year’s porous squad, he typically gives a snide response that alludes to the shift in personnel from youngsters to veterans. He’ll usually add an aside to the effect of, “Well, last year, we had to spend a whole practice on where the circle under the basket is located. These veteran guys though, they know exactly where that circle is so we were able to skip that practice [ha ha, derisive snort directed at his ignorant haters].” Okay, fair enough. Obviously, the departure of absentee defenders like Wally Szczerbiak and Sebastian Telfair and the likewise arrival of veteran defensive anchors like Kevin Garnett and James Posey has been an enormous factor. Nonetheless, how about throwing a little love to defensive guru Tom Thibodeau for his fine work as well? Not since the fat man roamed the sidelines in Foxboro has a local coach been so adamant in denying just accolades to his coaching staff. A hearty Bah Humbug to you, sir!

Grievance #2 – Stop qualifying wins!

Before our world came crashing down with the loss to Detroit last week, people were finding new and ridiculous ways to undermine the team’s 18-2 start. The most common sniggers were that the Celtics hadn’t yet played the elite teams and that some of the wins were against mid-level teams who were without their best players. Hmm, I didn’t realize we’d reached the level of winning around here that we could deride certain W’s as only half-earned victories. To this, I say, ‘Poppycock’! As a fat man who roamed the sidelines in Foxboro once remarked, you are what your record says you are, nothing more and nothing less.

Grievance #3 – Stop pretending the roster is complete!

With the dismissal of Brandon Wallace, the Celtics now have two coveted roster spots open. Accordingly, the beat reporters have repeatedly questioned Danny Ainge about whether those spots will be utilized. Both Ainge and Doc Rivers have consistently answered that they are deeply in love their roster as presently constituted, which means they must thoroughly enjoy watching their backup point guard melt into a puddle against a full court press and relish the challenge of a continued lack of depth at the bigs. Note to Danny Ainge: Brian Scalabrine is not a legitimate power forward and Scot Pollard is seemingly a bad sneeze away from landing himself in a full body cast. Meanwhile, players Gary Payton and P.J. Brown remain sitting on their couches, eating Cheetos and waiting by their phones. Assuming your own telephone remains in satisfactory working order, I say get to work and get it done, sir!

Grievance #4 – Save the paper!

It’s hard to ignore the recent clamoring of media to cover and comment upon the rejuvenated Celtics. This is appropriate to a certain degree because the increased coverage is in accordance with the heightened level of interest of the Boston fan base, which is of course the constituency of the media. Then again, I’m a little bit sickened by the whole idea because if you didn’t love basketball or care about the team enough to write about them B.K.G. (Before Kevin Garnett), then I’m pretty sure I don’t care a smidgen about what you think about them now during their current salad days. In short, a pox upon you all for being clumsy louses!

I’m sure there are some of you out there who may disagree with these important grievances. If so, feel free to meet me by the Festivus Pole and we’ll settle it out with some feats of strength until the issue is satisfactorily resolved. To the rest of you, please accept our wishes for a joyous Christmas holiday from the writers of FCP.

By Mike Brilliant and Al Assner

[Editor’s Note: This week brings us another installment of the “Give and Go”, a regular feature here at Full Court Press that offers the back-and-forth banter of two of our writers (Mike Brilliant and Al Assner) as they tackle the issues of the day. Again, if you’re looking for a seemingly endless stream of references to MTV’s The Real World or The Hills, you’ve clearly come to the wrong place. Mike and Al are all about the basketball.]

Al:

A few weeks have passed since the last get together and I have many things on my chest. But first off, obviously this start has been better than anyone could have expected. What has been the biggest surprise to you so far?

Mike:

The biggest surprise so far, and the #1 reason the Celts are 14-2, is the DEFENSE. The presence of Garnett has totally revamped the Boston D. Garnett is an imposing shot blocker at 6’11”. But he’s much more than that. Garnett is like the middle linebacker of the Celts defense. He’s calling switches on pick and rolls and directing his teammates to the right spots on the floor, ala Tedy Bruschi. But the improved D is not the sole product of Garnett. Both Rondo and Perkins are above average defenders for their positions. And with the 5 for 1 trade for Garnett, Rondo and Perk have seen their minutes double this season. And bringing James Posey off the bench to play the other teams’ best scorer (whether it’s a 2, 3 or 4) is a VERY nice luxury to have. Even a one-legged Tony Allen can still play some D. Scot Pollard can even play good positional defense on opposing big men. Unfortunately for Scot, there aren’t many true centers left in the NBA, so he only sees action once every four games. Coaching even plays a role in the Celts defensive resurgence. Tom (3rd Van Gundy brother) Thibodeau has the reputation as a defensive specialist and it’s showing on the court.

Al:

Their defense has been excellent and the “team ” aspect has been the main reason. It should be interesting when they play better offensive teams how this will work. To date, they haven’t played the best offensive teams so it should be interesting to see how this continues.

The biggest surprise for me has been the fact that I don’t think they have had more than one or two full offensive games. They are winning and crushing teams with 12 or 15 really good minutes. Every game it seems like they put on the gas in the 2nd and 3rd periods. It would be interesting to see if they could do that for 30 or 40 minutes a game. In my mind too many possessions are wasted by Paul Pierce taking a fall away.

Next question: What is your biggest complaint so far?

Mike:

Besides the cheerleaders changing out of their black bikini tops and black spandex pants after their first routine……….After the first 10 games, I would’ve complained about GPA’s heavy minutes. But it seems after this last stretch of 3 games in 4 nights, Doc is starting to get it. So I’ll complain about the lack of set plays in close games. Why do Pierce and sometimes Ray have to dribble out the clock and then settle for a fade away jumper? Why can’t the coaching staff call a timeout and draw up a set play which involves going inside to Garnett as the facilitator? We’ve seen how great of a playmaker Garnett is. If he gets multiple teamed then he’ll either kick out to Pierce or Allen or find a cutting Rondo or Posey under the hoop. What’s so difficult about that?

I’d also like to see Big Baby get a consistent 15-20 minutes a game. This guy is a beast. I realize he may foul out in less time than I would like. But this guy IS the only guy on the Celts who gets offensive boards on a consistent basis. Imagine if he lost 25 pounds
and added some strength?

Al:

The Big Baby minutes issue is my biggest complaint. We see this every year from Doc. He won’t play guys consistently for about 40 games. He did it with Ryan Gomes. Didn’t he do it with Delonte West too?

I think a good 15 minutes a night would be great, should be the first big man off the bench. He also functions well with Garnett in there, his lack of height is limited when playing alongside another big man. When he is the biggest guy that is when he gets in some trouble. Pollard has played well but it limited. He fits the 5 to 10 minute mold.

I don’t think 25 pounds is needed, but a partial Kendrick Perkins diet plan would help. He has a high basketball IQ, understands how to rebound and how to score.

If you had to pick one gift for the holidays would you rather have KG pour powder over your head or a James Posey motivational hug before you start your day? Why?

Mike:

My one gift would be for the top 8 guys in the rotation to stay HEALTHY. That’s the only thing that will hold the Celts back from competing for a championship this year. But to answer your real question……..I would rather have KG pour powder over my head Mike Gorman style. But I know already you would disagree and choose a hug from Posey.

Al:

Yes, how could you turn down a hug. Right before I enter my building for a day of work, if he told me to keep my head up, the day was going to be good, that I could make a difference and that I should watch out for the meatloaf in the cafeteria. That would make my day go much better.

Any questions?

Mike:

I still can’t believe that the Celts are so good that they now have the luxury of cruising through games until the 4th quarter against bad teams. Then they can turn it on and win at the end. This has now happened the last 2 games against Cleveland and Philly. Wow, how one lost lottery can make all the difference?

Al:

Absolutely. I think back to May 22nd and how pissed we all were, but especially you, screaming and smashing your free Celtics bottle opener on the sidewalk. From that point to where we are today has been amazing. As you know, I have justified most of Ainge’s moves over the years and I think he has always done a good job. When you have no assets, you need to accumulate them before you can build a cohesive team. I think he took that approach. I commend him for that.

But back to the summer. We know that the Ray Allen move was important, but obviously the KG trade was the point at which the Celtics became a real live NBA team again. I was trying to find a comparable situation where one move changed the fortunes of a franchise in such a large positive way so quickly. It was like night and day and I am not sure it ever happened before. Sure draft picks have helped teams over a year or two, but to go from maybe a 40 win team on July 30th to a 60+ win team on July 31st To be a place that was a destination for role player free agents. Over the next few summers other more talented players will want to play here.

If you could change one thing from this summer what would it be?

Personally, mine goes back to Jan 10, 2007 when Tony Allen got hurt. In my mind if he doesn’t get hurt, he is included in one of the trades this summer in replacement of Delonte West or Ryan Gomes. Both players are much better fits on this team than Tony Allen. Have I mentioned, how painful it is to watch him. He misses more lay-ups than Antoine Walker, brings nothing to the table, always seems to be out of control. I get annoyed seeing him out there.

Mike:

Nice point on T.A. It would have been nice to have Gomes coming off the bench as a 3 or 4. Maybe we’ll see him back here next year as he’s a free agent after the season.
Looking back, I don’t think this team needed to fill roster spots with Brandon Wallace or Gabe Pruitt. It’s a gamble that either of them will ever be productive NBA players, never mind this year. It would have made more sense to fill the roster with a Dale Davis type and/or a Mike Wilks veteran point guard type.

Al:

I don’t mind Wallace or Pruitt. I think having some developmental prospects is good business. Both are low risk players that may end up being high rewards. The Celtics still have an open roster spot, so having them has not limited them bringing in a veteran big man or point guard.

By Mike Brilliant

The Celtics played three games last week, going 3-0 against the Kings, Bucks and Raptors. All three games were of the “ho-hum” variety. None were ultra-exciting but the Celtics took care of business on the defensive end (as we’ve come to expect) to extend their winning streak to nine. All this with the first games missed from a member of the new “Big Three.”

For the week, I’ve assigned the following grades:

Coach Doc Rivers: A-

Doc has been doing a good job recently of keeping Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen’s minutes down. But with Ray’s ankle injury keeping him out of two games, Pierce was forced to an average of over 41 minutes this week. Doc also made nice calls filling in for injured starters Perkins and Ray this week. Both subs, Big Baby and Tony Allen stepped up big when called upon.

Captain Paul Pierce: B

The Captain stepped up his scoring output to 25.3 points over the 3 games to compensate for the loss of Ray. But he also has been playing stellar D. Paul is getting a bit too comfy with shooting the 3 ball. He took 20 3’s over the 3 games hitting only 6 for 30%. But you’ve got to love only 5 turnovers this week from the Captain.

Kevin Garnett: B

The Celtics only gave up an average of 79 PPG this week. And the main reason is KG. Have you ever seen one player totally change the way a team plays D from one year to the next? The easy wins this week let Garnett average only 32 minutes per game this week. In that time he had a line of 14 ppg, 7 rebounds and 4 assists.

Ray Allen: C

Are his surgically repaired ankles going to be an issue later in the season? The Celtics aren’t taking any chances having Ray sit out one full week (2 games). In his lone game he played 36 minutes scoring 15 points on 5–13 shooting. That has been Ray’s typical performance over the last month. The consensus is that the ankles were affecting his shooting. Championships aren’t won in December. Give Ray as much rest as he needs.

Rajon Rondo: B+

I don’t hear many of the “so called experts” criticizing the Celts PG weaknesses any longer. In fact, there have been more and more articles raving about the play of Rondo. He has truly turned into a floor general for this team. He went scoreless last Wednesday versus the Kings but turned in scoring performances of 17 and 14 points after that. He’s becoming very consistent with his 8 to 15 foot jumper.

Kendrick Perkins: D (for Dumbest injury of the year, so far)

He dropped a bed on his toe? Huh? If this really did happen why would he or the Celts admit it? Why wouldn’t they just say he hurt his toe in practice? Perk was definitely the butt, or should I say toe of all jokes this week. When he did play, he averaged 4 pts and 5 boards in 25 minutes a game.

James Posey: B+

This IS the ultimate bench player. He provided both an offensive and more importantly a defensive spark off the bench this week, as he has all year. This guy is a steal for 2 years and $7 million.

Eddie House: B

House performed as expected this week. He played 20 minutes a game, averaged 10 points and played a non-traditional point guard roll. He’ll never put up big assist numbers, but as long as House brings the ball up the court and keeps hitting those open 3’s, he’ll be an integral part of the rotation.

Tony Allen: A-

Someone’s knee is feeling better. Tony started in place of the injured Ray for 2 games this week. He responded averaging 10.5 points, 4 rebounds, 2 assists and 3 steals a game. And his defense was a key contributing factor in holding the Bucks to 82 points and the Raptors to 77.

Big Baby Davis: A

Who would have thought Big Baby would get his first NBA start due to faulty bedroom furniture? Well he started against the Kings and produced 16 points and 9 boards in 26 minutes. Even when back to the bench Big Baby has earned 15 – 20 minutes a night going forward.

Brian Scalabrine: C

Scalabrine has been the big minutes loser with the emergence of Big Baby Davis. Scal only played 21 minutes over 3 games this week. At least he’s still telling jokes on the bench to keep the team loose.

Scot Pollard: Incomplete

Pollard did not play this week due to a back injury. Rumor has it he reinjured himself while trimming his pork chop sideburns.

Leon Powe: B

As always, Powe flexes his muscles whenever he sees minutes during scrub time. But he actually saw 2 meaningful minutes versus Sacramento due to the aforementioned faulty bed.

Gabe Pruitt: B

Gabe got recalled from the Pawtucket Celtics this week to see five minutes of action. With 7 points in five minutes, Pruitt vaulted to the top of John Hollinger’s latest “PER rankings for rookies who have been recalled from the minor leagues more than once in the last 2 weeks” category.

By Kevin Henkin

“So you don’t talk, huh?” I said to the Ghost of Christmas Future, who took the form of injured rookie superstar-in-waiting Greg Oden. “Still grouchy about the whole derailed rookie season?”

He shook his head and pointed to the crowded Dunkin Donuts in front of us on the corner of State and Broad Streets in downtown Boston. He led us to the back of the long line and we waited there behind a couple of boisterous college students.

The tall one in front of me held up a couple of printed pages and said to his friend, “Did you read his latest garbage today?” Peering over his shoulder, I couldn’t help but notice my name at the top of the page.

His buddy, a short heavy-set guy with a thick goatee, nodded emphatically.

The tall guy said, “Let me read this part out loud.” He cleared his throat dramatically. “Know this. If you have some change left over from your holiday shopping, Kay Hanley’s Fluffy Pink Slippers just might be the finest female solo effort this side of Emmylou Harris’ Chamomile Unicorns. And oh yes, John Hiatt joins in on a couple of tracks. Trust me, It’s exactly as fun as it sounds.”

His friend snatched the printouts, crumpled them up and threw them in the trash bin. “Why do you even bother reading him anymore?”

“I still read him because he used to be good but now he just bothers me. Does he honestly think we care about some old reporter dude’s music recommendations? It’s like asking my dad what his favorite Fratellis songs are. Besides, he’s supposed to be covering basketball. I just want him to tell me about the Celtics because after all, he has media access to them and I don’t, so he’s supposed to know more about them than I do. But no, he thinks he’s transcended all that and gets to waste my time blabbing about some old lady musicians. Kay Hanley? Emmylou Harris? Unicorns? I mean, why not just head up a new Lilith Fair and write about that?”

Horrified at my own future material, and at the possibility of another Lilith Fair, it took me a moment to snap out of shock and realize that the ghost had transported us to another location.

We were sitting in the open dugout of a softball field, joined on the bench by a group of men and women in the mid-thirties. Their side was up and they were all shooting the breeze while waiting for their turn at bat. During a lull in the conversation, one of the women mentioned my name and asked the man sitting next to her if he’d read my latest column.

“Wait, was that the one where he did the whole city comparison thing between San Antonio and Boston because they’re in the NBA finals together? You know, ‘We have baked beans and they have refried beans. We have Good Will Hunting and they have The Alamo’? Man, talk about lazy and putrid.”

“No, no, not that one,” she said. “It was the one where he calls everyone who has the nerve to disagree with him a blowhard and insinuates they don’t know the first thing about basketball.”

“I don’t know. The guy is known as a basketball guru in these parts.”

“Great,” she said, rolling her eyes, “which was fine when he still wrote primarily about professional basketball. Now he seems to avoid the topic at all costs, except every once in a while, he’ll show up to cover a game and then write a piece that talks down to us reader serfs like he’s the almighty authority of the NBA. Does he know more about basketball than I do? Yes. Even so, I guarantee you I’ve watched more Celtics games than he has this year.”

I tugged on the big ghost’s sleeve. “Please, I’ve heard enough,” I said. “Take me back to my place. I can’t bear to hear anymore.”

He looked at me and wagged his finger very slowly in my face.

“That’s Mutombo’s cool move,” I said. “Get your own.”

Ignoring me, he snapped his fingers and we were transported to the break room high up in one of the big towers downtown.

As if on cue, a bald smarmy guy wearing suspenders held up a printout and said “Anyone want to read this?

“Who wrote it?” someone said.

The smarmy guy answered with my name.

A derisive series of “No thanks” comments made their way around the table but he wasn’t deterred. “You know what was the worst part of it today?”

The replies came fast and furious.

“Let me guess. Did he go into further detail about his sore knee? Fascinating!”

“Or his phone conversations with his wise and amusing father?”

“Or about how he runs one mile every single day? Like I care!”

“Or name-dropping about his brushes with B-List celebrities? ‘Last week, I was standing in line at Starbucks behind Eliza Dushku. Trust me, she’s even hotter in person.’ Thanks, Ed Murrow. I needed you to tell me that Eliza Dushku is hot. In the middle of a basketball column, no less.”

“Or more Saved by the Bell References?”

“See, I don’t get that. Wasn’t he in his twenties when that show was on? I mean, wasn’t Saved by the Bell clearly geared towards early teens? Jeez, how embarrassing.”

“Enough!” I pleaded, but they couldn’t hear me so they continued ripping me to shreds. When I couldn’t listen any longer, I took the big ghost by the hand and dragged him out to the hallway. “So you’re saying I’m going to become an amalgam of the worst qualities of all the prominent Boston sportswriters?” I said. “Please tell me it’s not true. Please! It can’t become true!”

He gave me an evasive shrug.

I sulked against the wall and held my head in despair until I stumbled upon the biggest epiphany of my life. “Wait a minute,” I said. “This is only the future of what might be, right? I can still change things, can’t I?”

The ghost gave me a solemn nod.

“Ha ha, yes! I can still avoid becoming what I despise! Woo hoo!” Leaning my head back into the break room, I said, “Merry Christmas, you jerks! I hate every single one of you! Ho, ho, ho!”

And with that, my imagined future fell away and I suddenly awoke in my old recliner. The room was bathed in light from the television, on which Game 7 of the 1984 finals remained playing on a constant loop. The game was the middle of the second quarter and Tommy Heinsohn was announcing with Dick Stockton on CBS. Tommy was trying his best to sound impartial, and failing miserably at it. We all knew who he was rooting for anyway. I had to smile.

At my desk, I found an unopened box of Crunch ‘n Munch wrapped with a bow. I tossed it in the trash, sat down at my computer and began writing a new column. It began as follows:

“The future of the Boston Celtics remains unwritten. Nonetheless, if we’ve learned anything thus far, it’s that they belong right in the middle of the discussion of who might still be playing this upcoming June. Let’s examine a few key reasons why…”

THE END

By Kevin Henkin

I was out with a couple of the FCP writers before a game last week. We were discussing potential story ideas when one of the writers made an excellent point.

“You know, it’s a lot easier to write about the Celtics when they’re losing,” he said.

He’s right, of course, because there are only so many interesting ways to say “Boy, these guys sure are good”. On the other hand, steady doses of ire and annoyance tend to fuel many more forms of creative expression. Therefore, considering the startling level of success that the team has achieved thus far, it’s time for us writers adjust our standards of what is deemed worthy of criticism. From this point forward, no perceived infraction or failure is considered too trivial for commentary. Bearing these new unreasonable standards in mind, I’ve got some serious bones to pick with this current Celtics organization. Here are just a few of the things that are bugging me these days…

Eddie House’s Socks

What is with this look? If Eddie hikes his hose up any higher, he’s going to need a garter belt to keep them aloft. Regrettably, James Posey is also guilty of the same offense and Paul Pierce’s sock line continues to creep up. Brian Scalabrine, on the other hand, sports a much more pious low sock look. In fact, I’m not even certain Scalabrine wears socks because they’re tucked down so low. The point is, we could all learn a little something from Brian Scalabrine’s prudent sense of fashion.

Freak Injuries

Let me get this straight. Kendrick Perkins gets injured by dropping a headboard on his foot (see Pervis Ellison for furniture-related injuries). Meanwhile, Scot Pollard strains his back getting out of his car (somewhere, Trot Nixon smiles in vindication). Honestly, I don’t care for this trend of déjà vu Boston sports injuries. I currently wait in fear for one of the Celtics to roll out of bed and onto a shot glass or senselessly infuriate Irving Fryar’s crazy wife.

The New Red Auerbach Signatures

Some say the huge Red Auerbach scribbles on both sides of the parquet floor serve as a fitting tribute to the legendary team patriarch. I say the signatures make the floor look like one of those gigantic bank checks that Ed McMahon hands out to Publishers Clearing House winners. Hello ma’am. you’ve just won….a slightly worn parquet floor! HIYO!

The Too Drafty BankNorth Garden

Although I think the infusion of fans has warmed the place up a bit in comparison to recent seasons, the Garden is still cold enough to store slabs of beef next to all those Celtics championship banners (and Bruins division title flags). And speaking of cold…

The Inherent Unfairness of the T-Shirt Patrol

Okay, how many of you in the blue luxury section have ever seen a free t-shirt land within fifty feet of your seats? I’m willing to guess the answer is zero. This is because the T-Shirt Patrol doesn’t have any Dwight Evans-type arms within its ranks and their weak tosses always fall within the first twenty or so rows. Even when Lucky the Leprechaun unveils his impressive t-shirt cannon, his shots invariably sail into the nosebleed balcony seats while the poor saps in the blue chairs look up with envy and despair.

Ray Allen’s Shooting

Forget the fact that Ray Allen has knocked down two of the three biggest crunch time buckets this season, or that he has been hindered by recently resurrected ankle woes. The team needs him to be consistently hitting those shots during the rest of the game, too. Just who does he think he is, Bob Horry? And to think, we gave up the warm magic of Wally Szczerbiak for this guy.

I think it’s fair to say I’m only scratching the surface here. After all, nine game winning streaks are nice but they still serve as little solace to the chilly souls in the blue luxury seats who have to pay for their own t-shirts.

By Kevin Henkin

“What’s he doing here?” I demanded, pointing to the Ghost of Isiah Thomas, who was patronizing me with a vacant grin.

Stern shrugged. “He was the only one available.”

“Available?” I said. “Doesn’t he have a spinning class to attend? Or a team or a league to destroy? Or a female employee to harass? Or a multi-year max contract to offer to a vastly over-rated player? Or a lazy inbounds pass to make to Larry Bird? Or an honorary degree to receive from Clown School?”

The smile fell away from The Ghost of Zeke’s face. “See? This is exactly why I hate Boston. They’re such nasty people.”

“Take it easy,” The Commissioner said. “Isiah might be, um…challenged when it comes to assembling and coaching a team but as one of the elite players in the history of the NBA, he does know the game of basketball. Therefore, I’ve asked him to provide some further necessary insights on your Celtics.” He checked his watch. “I’m afraid your fifteen minutes with me are up. Good luck with your little waste of cyberspace. And remember, I’ll be checking back for licensing infractions periodically.”

And like a whisper in the wind, the Ghost of Commissioner Stern was gone.

After scanning the room for NBA team owners who might be willing to hire him, the Ghost of Isiah sat down in the chair across from me. He had an uncharacteristic and bizarre-looking slight growth of facial hair.

I said, “You look like my teenage cousin who thinks he’s been growing a beard for the last couple of months.”

“Let’s get this over with, okay?” he said in his typical sing-song delivery, sounding like a kindergarten teacher scolding a child for eating paste. “First of all, if you’re looking at the Celtics hopes of winning a championship this year, you’re forgetting one very critical component: match-ups. How else do you think the Warriors were able to upset the top seed in the West last year against Dallas?”

“I don’t know. Did you happen to serve as an advisor to Avery Johnson before the series?”

He let out a deep sigh. “Because the Warriors matched up particularly well against the Mavericks. It happens all the time. One team may be more talented than another but certain match-up problems are sometimes enough to override that. Remember Kenyon Martin against Antoine Walker in 2002?”

I shuddered. “I still have the nightmares.”

“Right. So bearing this in mind, let’s look at how the Celtics match up against the likely contenders. Like the Suns, for example. Their lack of size is a likely problem against Boston. Garnett in particular could give them fits over a seven game series. On the flip side, Nash’s speed is a real issue for the Celtics unless Rondo gets his act in gear on defense. For some reason, despite his quickness, Rondo keeps letting guys get by him this year. Part of the problem is he keeps cheating the lane too much because he likes the steals. Steals are sexy. He’s also having problems fighting through picks.”

“What about Dallas?” I said.

“Posey is the biggest positive you have there. His length, aggressiveness and effort on defense are Dirk Nowitzki’s own personal nightmare. Dirk’s strengths are being able to take big guys out on the perimeter and either hitting the J when they play off him or, if they play tight D, driving right by them because they’re usually not quick enough to keep up. Posey, though, has those super-long arms and is more than quick enough to stick with the big German.”

“How about the Spurs?”

“Well, Tony Parker poses the same problems for you that Nash does. On the positive side, though, Garnett is a good match-up against Duncan. With Garnett running the floor hard like he always does, he’ll have an opportunity for some transition buckets. Also, Duncan will tire out with all the running and when that happens, he typically picks up some easy fouls and gets factored out of the game early.”

“And Detroit?”

“Again, Garnett is the main issue there. How can they stop him? Rasheed Wallace certainly can’t. He’ll foul out in twenty-five minutes if he doesn’t get ejected first. Also, if Tayshaun Prince plays on Pierce as expected, Ray Allen will light up Rip Hamilton like a Christmas tree.”

“Interesting points,” I said. “I’ll take them all under advisement.”

“One more thing,” the ghost said. “I hear you keep moaning about point guard depth on the Celtics.”

“True.”

He shook his head. “What your point guards need to to do primarily is bring the ball up and initiate the offense. After that, so many of your opportunities come from passing the ball out of all the shifting double-teams. Look at the box scores. On a lot of nights, each of the Big Three will have four to seven assists apiece. With those three bona fide and complimentary scoring options, the need for a distributing guard is negated. Keeping this in mind, if Rondo or House go down, can’t Tony Allen bring up the ball? Can’t Ray Allen?”

“Yes, of course.”
“Then stop worrying so damn much about it. It’s a non-issue.” He stood up and straightened his suit. “Sorry to run but I’ve got a resume to update.”

“Hey Ghost of Isiah,” I said. “For what it’s worth, I like you better than the real Isiah.”

“I know,” he said. “Everybody does. When I snap my fingers, you’ll be transported back to your apartment in your evil little city.” And with that, he was gone.

When I arrived back at my apartment, I found a silent giant waiting for me in my recliner chair.

“How’s the knee?” I said, by now accustomed to being visited by the visages of famed NBA personalities.

The giant shrugged.

“So Greg Oden represents the Ghost of Christmas Future,” I said. “I guess that makes sense.”

The Ghost of Greg Oden stood up gingerly and limped a few steps, then jerked his head in the direction of the door in a “follow me” gesture. Together, we headed out to witness the future.

To be continued…

By Kevin Henkin

With the Ghost of Christmas Present Commissioner Stern’s magical authority, we were instantly transported to the second floor of the massive ESPN Zone restaurant in Times Square, NYC. Our table faced a wall of televisions and was situated in between two massive screens that featured the highest profile games. On one screen, the Dallas Mavericks were playing the Phoenix Suns. On the other was a game between the San Antonio Spurs and the Detroit Pistons. A pretty young waitress swung by to take our order but the ghost shoed her away without explanation.

“What’s the matter?” I said. “The Tim Donaghy thing ruin your appetite for a couple of years?”

“Ah yes, very clever. You’re about as funny as a premature Michael Jordan retirement.”

“You want to hear some Donaghy jokes?”

“No, absolutely not.” He paused as he pursed his lips together. “Then again, I suppose I should at least be made aware of these poor attempts at humor. Go ahead.”

“How many Tim Donaghys does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

“I don’t know. How many?”

“Depends on the Vegas Over/Under.”

He shook his head in disgust. “If I were you, I’d stick to your day job as a panhandler.”

He checked his watch. “Alright, let’s get down to business. I’ve been assigned the unenviable task of helping you.”

“How so?”

“By giving you the briefest of tutorials on reality. A clue, if you will, on the current NBA landscape and how the best teams stack up against each other. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what you hear. Let’s start out by watching these two games here for a few minutes, where you will see a showcase of the finest basketball players in the world competing at the highest level. Then we can discuss.”

While I watched, the ghost took three phone calls, made four of his own and scrolled through his Blackberry furiously throughout. After a few minutes, he shut the power off his communications devices and slipped them back into the breast pockets of his natty suit jacket.

“See that game there?” he said, pointing to the contest between the Pistons and the Spurs. “Tell me what you see.”

“Well, to begin with, I see two teams that know how to win. Not only games, but championships. I see teams that are greater than the sum of their parts, that have the requisite talent but win because their star players are unselfish and are supported by some key dirty work role players.”

“Fine, yes, very deep. You should consider starting your own blog someday when you grow up.”

“But I already do have my own-“

“Yes, yes,” he said, waving me off. “I’ve seen it. So you have an internet provider and a keyboard. Congratulations. I get around to looking at all of these little cesspools of cyberspace sooner or later. Which reminds me, get rid of that Celtics logo on the top of your front page. Its use without the expressed written consent of the National Basketball Association is strictly prohibited. Trust me. I have a room full of lawyers just waiting for my permission to ruin your life.”

“Sounds like good material for your new commercials,” I said. “The NBA: Where a Threatening Commissioner Happens.”

Ignoring me, he said, “Getting back to the matter at hand, let me tell you what I see. I see a San Antonio team that may or may not be running on fumes. We won’t know for sure until the playoffs. Tony Parker remains young but otherwise there are concerns about age and mileage. Manu Ginobili may only be twenty-nine but his many years of extra play on behalf of his country have made him more like a player well into his thirties. Bruce Bowen, once one of the premier defenders in the league, now makes up for his lost steps with cheap shots and thuggish play. Tim Duncan, although never much reliant on his athleticism, has also been slowed a step or two. And, he’s showing signs of being prone to injury. Detroit faces similar age issues and they still clearly miss what Ben Wallace once provided them. And they’ve done nothing significant to upgrade since their playoff dismissal last season.”

“What about Dallas and Phoenix?”

“If NBA titles were handed out for the most regular season wins, they’d certainly be among the favorites. Look, they are both very talented teams and Dallas made a few moves to address their inexplicable collapse against the Warriors. They both certainly belong in the discussion of legitimate title contenders. That said, Dallas still needs to demonstrate some mental toughness and Phoenix has ego, personality and chemistry issues.”

“What about the Celtics?” I said.

He shook me off. “Look, I’m not here to offer you guarantees or even likelihoods that the Celtics will succeed come playoff time. I’m here to convince you that our league offers a very desirable level of parity, far more so than the current NFL or in baseball. Everyone could pick the Spurs to win every year and yet San Antonio has not repeated on any of their four titles. In this league, all that matters is that your team is in the hunt come playoff time, and yours has finally reached that level. Good enough?”

“Maybe,” I said. “It’s just that all these other contenders, however flawed they may be, have at least been playing together for awhile now. They’re seasoned and battle-tested in the playoffs. The Celtics are not.”

“More fretting,” he said, then paused to consider is options. “I’m afraid you’ve left me with no choice.” He flipped open his cell phone and said, “Initiate Operation Zeke.”

When our summoned guest suddenly materialized in front of our table, I let out a horrified shriek. Because we were in New York City, nobody seemed to notice.

The Ghost of Stern seemed pleased with my reaction. “As a Celtics fan,” he said, “I’m sure you’ll recognize The Ghost of Isiah Thomas.”

This time, my scream drew the attention of everyone in the room.

To be continued…

By Kevin Henkin

The cast of the 1984 NBA Champion Boston Celtics faded away in front of us. They were replaced by the likes of Dino Radja, Xavier McDaniel, Rick Fox, Kevin Gamble and Sherman Douglas. Robert Parish sat on the bench, aging in dog years before our very eyes. Alas, by that point, the days of The Big Three were officially over. Also gone were about a quarter of the fans and most of the noise. The place was so quiet that you could actually hear some of the players shouting on the court and the squeaks of their sneakers. Douglas brought the ball up court and squeezed the ball into Dino Radja on the block. The big man double-faked, fooling no one, then dribbled the ball off his foot and out of bounds. After a television timeout, Acie Earl came into the game for Radja. The fan sitting next to me shouted a string of profanities about Earl and various members of his family.

“Don’t worry,” I said to the distraught fan. “Acie Earl will be out of the league inside of four years.”

“Oh, is that right, Nostradamus?” The fan chugged the rest of his beer and flicked the empty cup over the railing. “I love your pajamas, by the way. Did your mommy forget to dress you this morning?”

I tugged on the ghost’s sleeve. “I’ve seen enough of these horrible things. Get me out of here.”

“Sorry. I’m afraid there’s more to see,” he said as he snapped his fingers. Instantly, we were transported to another place. It was a newer place, although the parquet floor remained in front of us. The new building certainly smelled better but was otherwise soulless. Down below, M.L. Carr strolled along the sidelines like a friendly mayor, pretending to coach his team to victory. On the floor were Alton Lister, Antoine Walker, Todd Day, Greg Minor and Dana Barros. In a listless half court set, Barros passed off to Antoine Walker, who dribbled the ball up to his nipples on the way to the basket and threw up a desperation heave in traffic. After the shot inexplicably fell through the net, Walker complained to the nearest official about the lack of a foul call, then hooted and wiggled while the opposing team pushed the ball hard up the floor. It was the third quarter and the Celtics were losing by twenty.

“Why must you torture me, ghost? What have I done to deserve witnessing such evil?”

“Evil?” he snorted, his eyes alight with mischief. “I’ll show you some true evil.”

With a snap of his fingers, the happy-go-lucky M.L. Carr faded away, replaced by a stark raving lunatic named Rick Pitino. The diminutive tyrant was screaming at the top of his lungs at Paul Pierce, acting as if Pierce had just set fire to his Gucci loafers. Accompanying Pierce on the court were Walker, Ron Mercer, Tony Battie and Kenny Anderson. Among other notables on the bench were Vitaly Potapenko, Walter McCarty, Dwayne Schintzius and Bruce Bowen. Next to them was Jim O’Brien, who appeared to be on the verge of sleep. If there was a common theme among all of them, it was of agitated disinterest. After enduring more verbal abuse, Pierce sagged on defense and allowed his man a clear path to the basket. Pitino erupted and frantically gestured for a timeout, flailing his arms around like a man with a raccoon in his pants. The team moped back to the huddle.

“You know what’s funny?” I said to the ghost. “When they replace Mercer with Eric Williams, this will basically be the same team that O’Brien took to the Eastern Conference Finals a couple years later. But Pitino had to make it all about him. That was probably the best thing O’Brien ever did. He turned the team over to Walker and Pierce, empowered them, gave them responsibility. Without that, they never would have brought the defensive effort that they did for him.”

“Don’t forget about the mid-season trade the brought in Tony Delk and Rodney Rogers,” said the ghost. “Without that trade, they don’t go as deep. On the flipside, without that trade, they don’t lose Joe Johnson.”

“Even so, it was a special year.”

He looked at me for a moment. “Special? You’re a tad romantic about the 2002 playoff team, don’t you think?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? They were within two games of the Finals. If Pierce made that freebie in Game 4, they just might have advanced.”

“Where they would have been trounced by the Lakers.”

“What’s your point?”

“I just wonder why you fret and complain so much about the Celtics as presently constituted while you choose to celebrate a team that had a snowball’s chance in Hades of contending for a championship, as if 2002 should be included in the category of The Good Old Days. These are the Boston Celtics, friend. Unlike their hockey counterparts, they don’t raise banners for conference titles.”

“Fine,” I said. “Let’s just get this over with. Bring on the eighteen game losing streak and be done with it, you rotten ghost.”

“So be it,” he said as he snapped his fingers.

All things being equal, watching the group of young wayward Celtics was preferable to anything involving Pitino so I sat back and tried to enjoy it as best as I could, snatching and chugging the beer from the guy sitting next to me after he insulted my snowman pajamas again. The Celtics held a tenuous lead throughout the second half until the Pistons woke up with two minutes left and Chauncey Billups took over the game.

“Remember him?” the Ghost said.

In unison, we said, “Why can’t we get guys like that?” We sounded like morons.

As the final seconds ticked off the clock, fans moped out. The name Greg Oden was mentioned by quite a few of them.

“Are we done here?” I said.

“Indeed.” With that, we were transported back to my dark, chilly little living room.

“You will be visited by two more ghosts this evening-”

“No, no, no,” I interjected. “Save the ghosts. I learned my lesson, right? I’ll stop nitpicking about the team and keep things in perspective. I’ll stop my fond remembrances of 2002. I’ll enjoy the ride along the road to potential playoff glory, okay? See? I’m a quick learner.”

He shook his head. “I’m afraid there’s still more you need to see and learn,” he said. “At two o’clock, you’ll be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present. And if you’re as quick a learner as you say, you’ll ditch the pajamas.” With that, he loaded up his snacks and left, walking through the same door from which he entered.

I was just changing into a pair of jeans and a pullover fleece when I heard more knocking at the front door. Checking my watch, I saw that it was still only 1:46 a.m. After peering through the peep hole, I stepped back and said, “I don’t believe this.”

Without waiting for me to open the door, Commissioner David Stern strode straight through it and into my apartment.

“What?” he said. “You were expecting someone else? You think I’m going to allow coverage of my present NBA without personally checking into it first? Grow up, son. Now, I have a table booked for us. You have fifteen minutes of my time. Let’s get going.”

To be continued…