A Celtics Blogger Christmas Carol: Chapter 4

By Kevin Henkin

“What’s he doing here?” I demanded, pointing to the Ghost of Isiah Thomas, who was patronizing me with a vacant grin.

Stern shrugged. “He was the only one available.”

“Available?” I said. “Doesn’t he have a spinning class to attend? Or a team or a league to destroy? Or a female employee to harass? Or a multi-year max contract to offer to a vastly over-rated player? Or a lazy inbounds pass to make to Larry Bird? Or an honorary degree to receive from Clown School?”

The smile fell away from The Ghost of Zeke’s face. “See? This is exactly why I hate Boston. They’re such nasty people.”

“Take it easy,” The Commissioner said. “Isiah might be, um…challenged when it comes to assembling and coaching a team but as one of the elite players in the history of the NBA, he does know the game of basketball. Therefore, I’ve asked him to provide some further necessary insights on your Celtics.” He checked his watch. “I’m afraid your fifteen minutes with me are up. Good luck with your little waste of cyberspace. And remember, I’ll be checking back for licensing infractions periodically.”

And like a whisper in the wind, the Ghost of Commissioner Stern was gone.

After scanning the room for NBA team owners who might be willing to hire him, the Ghost of Isiah sat down in the chair across from me. He had an uncharacteristic and bizarre-looking slight growth of facial hair.

I said, “You look like my teenage cousin who thinks he’s been growing a beard for the last couple of months.”

“Let’s get this over with, okay?” he said in his typical sing-song delivery, sounding like a kindergarten teacher scolding a child for eating paste. “First of all, if you’re looking at the Celtics hopes of winning a championship this year, you’re forgetting one very critical component: match-ups. How else do you think the Warriors were able to upset the top seed in the West last year against Dallas?”

“I don’t know. Did you happen to serve as an advisor to Avery Johnson before the series?”

He let out a deep sigh. “Because the Warriors matched up particularly well against the Mavericks. It happens all the time. One team may be more talented than another but certain match-up problems are sometimes enough to override that. Remember Kenyon Martin against Antoine Walker in 2002?”

I shuddered. “I still have the nightmares.”

“Right. So bearing this in mind, let’s look at how the Celtics match up against the likely contenders. Like the Suns, for example. Their lack of size is a likely problem against Boston. Garnett in particular could give them fits over a seven game series. On the flip side, Nash’s speed is a real issue for the Celtics unless Rondo gets his act in gear on defense. For some reason, despite his quickness, Rondo keeps letting guys get by him this year. Part of the problem is he keeps cheating the lane too much because he likes the steals. Steals are sexy. He’s also having problems fighting through picks.”

“What about Dallas?” I said.

“Posey is the biggest positive you have there. His length, aggressiveness and effort on defense are Dirk Nowitzki’s own personal nightmare. Dirk’s strengths are being able to take big guys out on the perimeter and either hitting the J when they play off him or, if they play tight D, driving right by them because they’re usually not quick enough to keep up. Posey, though, has those super-long arms and is more than quick enough to stick with the big German.”

“How about the Spurs?”

“Well, Tony Parker poses the same problems for you that Nash does. On the positive side, though, Garnett is a good match-up against Duncan. With Garnett running the floor hard like he always does, he’ll have an opportunity for some transition buckets. Also, Duncan will tire out with all the running and when that happens, he typically picks up some easy fouls and gets factored out of the game early.”

“And Detroit?”

“Again, Garnett is the main issue there. How can they stop him? Rasheed Wallace certainly can’t. He’ll foul out in twenty-five minutes if he doesn’t get ejected first. Also, if Tayshaun Prince plays on Pierce as expected, Ray Allen will light up Rip Hamilton like a Christmas tree.”

“Interesting points,” I said. “I’ll take them all under advisement.”

“One more thing,” the ghost said. “I hear you keep moaning about point guard depth on the Celtics.”

“True.”

He shook his head. “What your point guards need to to do primarily is bring the ball up and initiate the offense. After that, so many of your opportunities come from passing the ball out of all the shifting double-teams. Look at the box scores. On a lot of nights, each of the Big Three will have four to seven assists apiece. With those three bona fide and complimentary scoring options, the need for a distributing guard is negated. Keeping this in mind, if Rondo or House go down, can’t Tony Allen bring up the ball? Can’t Ray Allen?”

“Yes, of course.”
“Then stop worrying so damn much about it. It’s a non-issue.” He stood up and straightened his suit. “Sorry to run but I’ve got a resume to update.”

“Hey Ghost of Isiah,” I said. “For what it’s worth, I like you better than the real Isiah.”

“I know,” he said. “Everybody does. When I snap my fingers, you’ll be transported back to your apartment in your evil little city.” And with that, he was gone.

When I arrived back at my apartment, I found a silent giant waiting for me in my recliner chair.

“How’s the knee?” I said, by now accustomed to being visited by the visages of famed NBA personalities.

The giant shrugged.

“So Greg Oden represents the Ghost of Christmas Future,” I said. “I guess that makes sense.”

The Ghost of Greg Oden stood up gingerly and limped a few steps, then jerked his head in the direction of the door in a “follow me” gesture. Together, we headed out to witness the future.

To be continued…