Attention! It’s Time for the Annual Airing of Grievances
By Kevin Henkin
Ah yes, with the preponderance of lights and carols and good cheer, it can only mean one thing: Festivus season has finally arrived. I’d like to officially roll out the holiday with the special tradition commonly known as the Airing of Grievances, Full Court Press-style.
Grievance #1 – Hey Doc, give Tom Thibodeau some credit!
Whenever Doc Rivers is asked why his team is so much better on defense this year as compared to last year’s porous squad, he typically gives a snide response that alludes to the shift in personnel from youngsters to veterans. He’ll usually add an aside to the effect of, “Well, last year, we had to spend a whole practice on where the circle under the basket is located. These veteran guys though, they know exactly where that circle is so we were able to skip that practice [ha ha, derisive snort directed at his ignorant haters].” Okay, fair enough. Obviously, the departure of absentee defenders like Wally Szczerbiak and Sebastian Telfair and the likewise arrival of veteran defensive anchors like Kevin Garnett and James Posey has been an enormous factor. Nonetheless, how about throwing a little love to defensive guru Tom Thibodeau for his fine work as well? Not since the fat man roamed the sidelines in Foxboro has a local coach been so adamant in denying just accolades to his coaching staff. A hearty Bah Humbug to you, sir!
Grievance #2 – Stop qualifying wins!
Before our world came crashing down with the loss to Detroit last week, people were finding new and ridiculous ways to undermine the team’s 18-2 start. The most common sniggers were that the Celtics hadn’t yet played the elite teams and that some of the wins were against mid-level teams who were without their best players. Hmm, I didn’t realize we’d reached the level of winning around here that we could deride certain W’s as only half-earned victories. To this, I say, ‘Poppycock’! As a fat man who roamed the sidelines in Foxboro once remarked, you are what your record says you are, nothing more and nothing less.
Grievance #3 – Stop pretending the roster is complete!
With the dismissal of Brandon Wallace, the Celtics now have two coveted roster spots open. Accordingly, the beat reporters have repeatedly questioned Danny Ainge about whether those spots will be utilized. Both Ainge and Doc Rivers have consistently answered that they are deeply in love their roster as presently constituted, which means they must thoroughly enjoy watching their backup point guard melt into a puddle against a full court press and relish the challenge of a continued lack of depth at the bigs. Note to Danny Ainge: Brian Scalabrine is not a legitimate power forward and Scot Pollard is seemingly a bad sneeze away from landing himself in a full body cast. Meanwhile, players Gary Payton and P.J. Brown remain sitting on their couches, eating Cheetos and waiting by their phones. Assuming your own telephone remains in satisfactory working order, I say get to work and get it done, sir!
Grievance #4 – Save the paper!
It’s hard to ignore the recent clamoring of media to cover and comment upon the rejuvenated Celtics. This is appropriate to a certain degree because the increased coverage is in accordance with the heightened level of interest of the Boston fan base, which is of course the constituency of the media. Then again, I’m a little bit sickened by the whole idea because if you didn’t love basketball or care about the team enough to write about them B.K.G. (Before Kevin Garnett), then I’m pretty sure I don’t care a smidgen about what you think about them now during their current salad days. In short, a pox upon you all for being clumsy louses!
I’m sure there are some of you out there who may disagree with these important grievances. If so, feel free to meet me by the Festivus Pole and we’ll settle it out with some feats of strength until the issue is satisfactorily resolved. To the rest of you, please accept our wishes for a joyous Christmas holiday from the writers of FCP.
