Full Court Press: “Chico’s Bizarro Full Court Press”
by Jeremy Cutler
Special to the Full Court Press
March 3, 2005
First Off, due to the fact that I was driving to and from the Fleet tonight (curse my sister’s ear infection!) I was not the Chico Walker you know and love. Two Guinness at dinner was the extent of my alcohol consumption. The good part is, since my tickets were free, I parked on the street, and my sister will write off the dinner as a business expense (insert lol guy here) I spent a grand total of $13 tonight. On with the jibber jabber, Kent Thaler style…
-Dinner at the Harp. Lots of Antoine jerseys everywhere, as expected. There was a crew at the downstairs bar that was rowdy as hell and geared up something fierce. They were taking pictures of each other, which I found a bit odd. It seemed a classic case of suburban white kids gone hip-hop awry (Horry?) That is, until I walked by them and got a closer look…..they were a bunch of guys in their 40’s and 50’s! What I thought was a latter day Young Black Teenagers was in fact just a bunch of Old White Taxpayers. The sound you hear is all of their teenage children quietly sobbing in their closets.
-During the video montage before the game, both of great Celtics moments and the one welcoming back Antoine, it got a bit dusty in the whateveryoucallit.com center….just sayin’
-My seats were so high up I didn’t ask an usher where they were, I asked a Sherpa….try the veal! WTF, they were free, right?
-Lakers fans to my right, but they were actually ok
-I was a bit shocked when I heard &%$*& RAPIST! come bellowing from my section…but when i realized it was my sister? Can’t say I wasn’t proud
-I don’t throw the term “lustily” around too liberally, but I was lustily booing Kobe….and the kids to my left chanting “NO MEANS NO!” earned my undying respect
-It seemed like every time there was a break in the action, there was a &*%$ing contest. Where was the contest to see who could shove the microphone up the obnoxious MC’s *** the furthest? That would have held my attention
-At one point during the break they were honoring a 93 year old wheelchair bound woman who has spent her golden years doing a variety of volunteer work and community service…very nice. Unfortunately, at the same time the “cheerleaders” (who wouldn’t have made flag squad at my high school, and I graduated from a freakin’ kennel) were tossing out thunder sticks….so I was treated to the half-soused bellowing of “HEY! I WANT FREE !@$*^!” by Man Mountain Dean sitting to my left…
-The halftime contest was bizarre. Dribble down the length of the court and hit a layup in 5 seconds. There were some junior Oliver Stones in my section after the count for the first kid, white, went 5….4….3….2….1….and the count for the second kid, African American, went 5.4.3.2.1…..hmmmm
-There were an inordinate amount of people in this contest…something like 9 or 10. Normally you’d expect 3…..even so, 2 of the 10 were from Iceland. Nobody else was from west of 128 or south of Quincy. One of the Bjorks was named Hummous….I nearly threw my back out making “I’m rooting for tabouli” jokes, to no avail….uncultured savages, I’m ensconsed in ‘em…..
-Mark Blount is a turd….pure and simple. Every time he drops a pass or misses a rebound that the drummer from Def Leppard would have no problem with he should give back a million bucks.
-Was Chucky Atkins really this good?
-I don’t know about you, folks, but I think that Joyce DeWitt is a fine little comic actress (oops, that’s for Larry King….he pays a fiver per bon mot!)
-Seriously, for the nuts an bolts of the game, look to Larry Legend’s piece…I tried taking good notes, but every time I took out the notebook my sister laid into me for writing for my “nerds.com” website….I had to save a little face…
-Antoine frustrated me a bit leading the break, but all in all if he shows this kind of commitment to hitting the offensive board and playing defense I’ll gladly swallow one (1) off balance air ball three a game…
-The train ride back to Cleveland Circle was an experience..there were two groups of young Chowdaheads in close proximity…the train stopped short at one point and caused one to bump into another. A full scale brawl broke out. On the friggin’ train. I couldn’t believe my eyes….then one crew broke off (after the door opened and there were many calls for police) and one of the kids getting off landed a Roger Mcdowell-esque loogie on another. I thought I was hallucinating. One of the kids apparently lost his glasses…we all looked around, nowhere to be found. Just before my stop, he looked down and noticed they had fallen off, right into the side pocket of his napsack….he then proceeded to tell everyone on the train (perhaps everyone in Brookline, at his volume) “I found my &%$*ing glasses! WOOOOO!” Ric Flair would have been proud. As I exited the train, I wished the guys good evening, and jokingly told them to stay out of trouble. The kid’s response? “We’ll try, but we’re from Worcester” I nodded sympathetically.
-Speaking of the train, anyone going to the fleet from points south needs to do what I did. Park for free on the street near BC and take the train. I made time that would have given Clark Griswald a semi. I emerged from the Fleet onto Causeway Street at 10:15. I was back in Providence at 11:50. Good Times.
-Full Court Press Crew, thanks for the oppurtunity to let me consolidate all of my nonsense in one spot…hope I don’t drag you all down into the gutter with me, you do great work….
