It’s Time to Adjust the Standards of Criticism
By Kevin Henkin
I was out with a couple of the FCP writers before a game last week. We were discussing potential story ideas when one of the writers made an excellent point.
“You know, it’s a lot easier to write about the Celtics when they’re losing,” he said.
He’s right, of course, because there are only so many interesting ways to say “Boy, these guys sure are good”. On the other hand, steady doses of ire and annoyance tend to fuel many more forms of creative expression. Therefore, considering the startling level of success that the team has achieved thus far, it’s time for us writers adjust our standards of what is deemed worthy of criticism. From this point forward, no perceived infraction or failure is considered too trivial for commentary. Bearing these new unreasonable standards in mind, I’ve got some serious bones to pick with this current Celtics organization. Here are just a few of the things that are bugging me these days…
Eddie House’s Socks
What is with this look? If Eddie hikes his hose up any higher, he’s going to need a garter belt to keep them aloft. Regrettably, James Posey is also guilty of the same offense and Paul Pierce’s sock line continues to creep up. Brian Scalabrine, on the other hand, sports a much more pious low sock look. In fact, I’m not even certain Scalabrine wears socks because they’re tucked down so low. The point is, we could all learn a little something from Brian Scalabrine’s prudent sense of fashion.
Freak Injuries
Let me get this straight. Kendrick Perkins gets injured by dropping a headboard on his foot (see Pervis Ellison for furniture-related injuries). Meanwhile, Scot Pollard strains his back getting out of his car (somewhere, Trot Nixon smiles in vindication). Honestly, I don’t care for this trend of déjà vu Boston sports injuries. I currently wait in fear for one of the Celtics to roll out of bed and onto a shot glass or senselessly infuriate Irving Fryar’s crazy wife.
The New Red Auerbach Signatures
Some say the huge Red Auerbach scribbles on both sides of the parquet floor serve as a fitting tribute to the legendary team patriarch. I say the signatures make the floor look like one of those gigantic bank checks that Ed McMahon hands out to Publishers Clearing House winners. Hello ma’am. you’ve just won….a slightly worn parquet floor! HIYO!
The Too Drafty BankNorth Garden
Although I think the infusion of fans has warmed the place up a bit in comparison to recent seasons, the Garden is still cold enough to store slabs of beef next to all those Celtics championship banners (and Bruins division title flags). And speaking of cold…
The Inherent Unfairness of the T-Shirt Patrol
Okay, how many of you in the blue luxury section have ever seen a free t-shirt land within fifty feet of your seats? I’m willing to guess the answer is zero. This is because the T-Shirt Patrol doesn’t have any Dwight Evans-type arms within its ranks and their weak tosses always fall within the first twenty or so rows. Even when Lucky the Leprechaun unveils his impressive t-shirt cannon, his shots invariably sail into the nosebleed balcony seats while the poor saps in the blue chairs look up with envy and despair.
Ray Allen’s Shooting
Forget the fact that Ray Allen has knocked down two of the three biggest crunch time buckets this season, or that he has been hindered by recently resurrected ankle woes. The team needs him to be consistently hitting those shots during the rest of the game, too. Just who does he think he is, Bob Horry? And to think, we gave up the warm magic of Wally Szczerbiak for this guy.
I think it’s fair to say I’m only scratching the surface here. After all, nine game winning streaks are nice but they still serve as little solace to the chilly souls in the blue luxury seats who have to pay for their own t-shirts.
