Spit and Twine: Some Random Thoughts on Ray Allen’s Key Rings And Kevin Garnett’s Solution to Hyenas

By Matt Richardson

First, some thoughts on that smooth killer that is Ray Allen. Allow me to take a moment echo Mike Martin’s comments here last week about Allen’s all around scoring prowess. Those of us who haven’t watched him closely in the last few years (I hope I’m not revealing myself as a basketball pretender by admitting that I didn’t closely follow Seattle’s campaign last season) most likely developed an image of him as a pure shooter dependent on a steady diet of screens and double picks to get open. It’s been an eye-opener to realize he’s much more than that. He seems to have no hesitancy at all in going to the hoop and can convert easy buckets or dish when in the paint (but he had DOUBLE ANKLE SURGERY, how is that possible !??!?!). Beyond that, the veteran savvy he brings to the table is truly impressive. Watching him, does it even seem remotely possible that he’d make a bone-headed play at a crucial time? He’s like a Porsche; oftentimes not the sexiest of the super-cars, but technically faultless in a way that will serve the owner well when the various Ferraris, Aston-Martins, Lambo’s, etc. are left stuck in the pits due to their assorted imperfections. The one issue I have with him is the shaved-head look. It doesn’t seem to suit him. He looks like the mid-forties wise janitor in bad teen movies. Can’t he at least grow some menacing facial hair or mutton chop sideburns or something? Honestly, if he showed up to the Garden in blue Dickies with a big ring of keys, they’d lead him straight to the mop closet.

Next, some thoughts on Kevin Garnett. Thus far, I’m amazed and incredibly impressed by his focus and demeanor. He’s Brady-like in his intensity and competitiveness, and I don’t believe the Celtics have had anyone like him since Larry Bird. I get the feeling that Paul Pierce has no idea what he’s in for. I think there were times when Antoine Walker pushed Pierce beyond his “I want to win but I don’t want to work too hard at it” credo, and Walker is a guy who routinely stays out too late, gets robbed at gunpoint and fails to meet minimum body fat guidelines. To say that Garnett is going to explode Pierce’s comfortable little bubble is an understatement.

Speaking of Walker, do you think he’s still calling Pierce and ribbing him about playing for a winner? Obviously, Minnesota had a need to get Mark Blount away from Al Jefferson, but getting Ricky Davis and his rolling hydroponics operation out of town was probably a good call too. If his first game for the Heat was any indication, Ricky being Ricky is still in full effect. He wasted zero time alienating his teammates by hoisting up the ball seemingly every time it touched his hands and exhibited his typical laissez-faire defensive effort. He is the proverbial straw that blows bubbles in the drink.

Also observed during that Pistons/Heat game: There was also a discussion amongst the announcers after one of them opined that Alonzo Mourning was the best back-up center ever. Marv Albert named a bunch of guys from the seventies while I was fairly screaming at the TV, “Bill Walton… BILL WALTON !!!!!” Then Reggie Miller went off the deep end, arguing that Mourning was just as dominant as Shaquille O’Neal before the onset of his health issues… Ummm, why don’t you just stop talking for a while, champ. It reminded me of the scene in Goodfella’s where Tommy’s bimbo date is saying that Sammy Davis Jr. is handsome and Tommy gets pissed and says, “He’s very talented. Let’s just leave it at that. He’s very talented”. Reggie, Alonzo Mourning is very talented. Let’s just leave it at that.

Getting back to Garnett, Bill Simmons recently wrote about the existence of alpha dogs on different teams. Does anyone have a shred of doubt regarding who the resident Alpha dog in green might be? Let me approach it this way: Have you ever watched any of those nature shows where a pack of hyenas harasses a pride of lions consisting of females and cubs, chasing them up trees, threatening the cubs, stealing their kills and generally making their lives miserable? Then the male lion returns from wherever it is that male lions go. He sees the chaos and immediately chases down and kills the lead hyena as the rest of the pack runs for their lives and the stoic BBC narrator says something like “Adult male lions brook no nonsense”? Well, Garnett is the adult male lion in this analogy. I get the feeling that he could walk into a room with Derek Jeter, Peyton Manning, and Tiger Woods and the room would wait in respectful silence for him to speak. The obvious response to the above opinion is “But Jeter, Manning, and Woods (and Brady and Bird for that matter) are all winners”. True, Garnett has yet to win anything. But just watching him, don’t you get the sense that he would literally run through a wall to win a championship in Boston ? It’s obviously waaaaay too early to print up tickets to the finals. That said, now that the season is underway, the reality of having Kevin Garnett on this team with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen has set in and yet it remains a very promising scenario.

Finally, Although I thoroughly enjoyed Kevin Henkin’s piece last week based on Van Halen songs, I feel compelled to correct a glaring omission: Unchained. Not only is Unchained Van Halen’s best song (the San Antonio of their catalog, if you will, with Panama as Phoenix and Beautiful Girls as Dallas) but doesn’t it exactly sum up the scenario for Paul Pierce, Doc Rivers, Danny Ainge, the media and all of the fans? No longer is Pierce chained to the anchor of crappy/insane teammates like Mark Blount, Bassy Telfair, etc. etc. No longer is Doc trying to make a dollar out of the five dimes on his roster. No longer is Danny forced to try to sell “youth” and “hope” like a used car salesman trying to move an ’86 Plymouth . No longer are the jaded, cynical Boston beat writers and basketball columnists forced to find new and interesting ways to downgrade the Celtics and every player on their roster. And lastly, no longer are diehard fans forced to sit through excruciating series of losses looking for any glimmer of promise while Tommy says things like “once Gerald Green gets his head out of his rear end, he’s going to be an All-Star”. Unchained. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Change, nothing stays the same, Unchained, now we’ll hit the ground running…