By Kevin Henkin
Okay, enough is enough. I cannot remain silent on this issue any longer. Let’s all finally acknowledge the 800 pound gorilla that’s been sitting squarely in the middle of the room and state the obvious:
Ray Allen has somehow angered Babe Ruth.
There, I said it. By now, it’s become painfully clear, hasn’t it? The shooting woes? The air balls? I mean, do you honestly expect reasonable people to believe that Wally Szczerbiak is able to defend one of the purest scorers in the league without the help of evil spirits? It’s true. The fat slugger with a grudge is back in Boston and he has cursed Ray Allen’s shooting. Unless we do something about it immediately, generations of families across New England will be doomed to suffer countless years of hideously heart-breaking Celtics losses, prolonged periods of obnoxious self-pity and more books by Dan Shaughnessy.
At present, there are several theories in play regarding why this has happened. Maybe it’s the fact that Ray Allen doesn’t consume alcohol and dresses so nattily that offends the sensibilities of the Babe so much. Maybe it’s the stupid ending to He Got Game that has the Bambino’s knickers in a knot. Regardless, I can assure you that nobody affiliated with the Celtics wants any part of this fickle ghost.
Rather than fret over what the Babe will do next or obsess on the reasoning behind his wrath, let’s instead channel our energies into some more constructive actions. Like dredging up old underwater pianos, for example, or fiendishly burning Yankees hats on top of mountains. Unfortunately, these brilliant schemes have already been used up in efforts to overcome the old curse. Therefore, it will be necessary for us to design some fresher solutions. In short, we need some new ideas for Ray Allen to rid himself of this latest apparitional plague on Boston sports. Although I am merely a blogger, I nonetheless boldly step forward to propose the following actions for Ray Allen’s consideration so that he may break free from this insidious new curse:
For starters, Ray needs to study up on the old curse. Read the book. Watch the HBO documentary. Sort through the thousands of previous columns that Shaughnessy devoted to the topic. After all, knowledge is power. Once armed with such valuable information, Ray then needs to take action by adding some key items to his extensive and highly-publicized pre-game routine. Specifically, after his 71 minute early afternoon nap and his daily lunch of grilled chicken cut into isosceles triangles along with 13.5 ounces of skim milk served in a Scooby Doo cup with Shaggy facing north, Ray might consider adopting the following additional practices into his routine once he arrives at the arena:
Schedule time for more magazine cover shoots with Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. After all, Good Housekeeping and American Handgunner have yet to feature The Big Three looking happy but serious on their respective covers.
Then, once back in the safe confines of the locker room, undertake the following actions:
Meet with Michael Felger to gain a finer understanding of the nuances of the game of basketball. Remember, even the best players can continue to learn from the masters.
Smear liberal amounts of pine tar on your athletic supporter. This will make you feel more manly and also show people what a hard-nosed player you are.
Down a few shots of delicious Jack Daniels with Kevin Millar. Aside from the obvious benefits of liquid courage and the wisdom of Kevin Millar, the incorporation of booze into your routine will grant you some favor with the Bambino.
Read Tony Massarotti’s columns to gain a better understanding of how to improve relations with your fans (Extra tip: Don’t ever pay. Pick up the Herald for free in front of South Station on your way into the game).
On your way onto the court, rub the belly of Glenn Ordway for good luck.
Have James Posey say, “It’s not your fault…It’s not your fault…” over and over during your pre-game hugs.
Throw a few handfuls of powder on Mike Gorman just before tip-off. Don’t be fooled by the towel that he suddenly covers himself with or his mixed expression of shock and annoyance. He loves it!
If at anytime during this routine you find yourself overcome with emotion, simply bang your head repeatedly into the padding that’s attached to the base of the baskets. This will make people think you are incredibly intense and obsessed with winning.
Let’s all keep our fingers crossed, folks, as this new plan to foil the latest curse unfolds. Honestly, I don’t think I can take another 86 years of misery.