The Sebastian Telfair Public Image Rehabilitation Tour and Other Random Thoughts

By Kevin Henkin

While we anxiously await “the next shoe to drop” in Danny Ainge’s oft-rumored off-season master plan, I offer up these few random thoughts…

Okay, so I’m a little bit late to the table on this, but I’d still like to offer a bit of commentary on the Ray Allen trade.

First of all, it seems fairly obvious that on draft night, Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers had a story to sell on behalf of their team owners. Their story had far more to do with the wooing of prospective season ticket holders and less to do with anything related to actual basketball. In short, these good company men attempted to convince us that the reconfigured roster instantly made them serious contenders in the East. It was a humorous moment enjoyed by all until we realized that they were dead serious. They were actually asking us to believe that Ray Allen’s ability to score 25 points per game represented a blanket cure for Boston’s long list of ills. The last time I checked, Ray Allen doesn’t play point guard or defense, which unfortunately remain as two of the team’s most glaring needs.

This is not to say that the trade is undesirable on its own merits. There are a number of positives to be fairly acknowledged. For example, when I first heard of the trade, I instantly offered my services to personally bounty hunt Wally Szczerbiak and fasten him to a seat on a one-way plane to Seattle. As for Delonte West and the fifth pick, like most people, I had mixed feelings. I knew I’d miss West’s gritty hustle and steady stream of bizarre quotes that regularly made for good copy. I was also terrified of future hauntings from Li Jianlian, who I came to know as a tiny Chinese menace against terrible competition on my two inch YouTube screen. That is, until I saw him play against the Celtics summer squad in Las Vegas, where he much more closely resembled an overwhelmed Jerome Moiso than an Asian template of Dirk Nowitzki. I’ve been sleeping peacefully ever since.

How the trade specifically benefits the Celtics the most is by their now improved ability to score down the stretch in close games. Last year, everyone knew Pierce was getting the ball on isolation plays and it allowed teams to clamp down with glee. With Ray Allen roving on the wing and keeping opposing defenses honest, at least a half dozen wins are chalkable based on that factor alone. Therefore, the trade does technically make them a better team. It just doesn’t make them as good as Danny Ainge and Wyc Grousbeck would like you to believe.

In other news, is everyone else enjoying the “Sebastian Telfair Public Image Rehabilitation Tour” that is currently underway? In case you’ve missed it, the message is basically this: Look everyone! Sebastian Telfair has lost 11 pounds! He’s unselfishly practicing with the team in Vegas! He’s going to focus on passing and the act of denying the other team from scoring (commonly known as “defense”)! He finally gets it! The Rehab Tour (brought to you by Foxwoods, the wonder of it all) officially kicked off on draft night when reporters pointed out to Danny Ainge that Rajon Rondo remained as the only legitimate point guard who still had one of those highly prestigious nameplates on his locker. Ainge smugly responded that Sebastian Telfair and combo guard Gabe Pruitt were on the roster as the other floor generals, then deferred to Wyc Grousbeck across the room. In a clearly rehearsed moment, Grousbeck indicated that Telfair might not be as much of a persona non grata as was initially communicated to the press following Telfair’s latest “gun & car incident”. Stay tuned for either a merciful trade or further heaps of praise for Bassy’s new attitude, complete with free copies of Ian O’Connor’s shamefully hyperbolic bio-drama book “The Jump: Sebastian Telfair and the High-Stakes Business of High School Ball.”