Unreasonable Grousings Make an Important Return
By Kevin Henkin
As I noted a few weeks ago, the Celtics have become so good that complaining has essentially gone out of style in these parts. This obviously poses quite a problem for us negativity-fueled writers. As a solution, we have been forced to adjust our standards for what is deemed worthy of criticism from “downright petty” to “simply ridiculous”. Bearing these freshly established unreasonable standards in mind, I’ve got some new bones to pick with the Celtics team. Here are just a few of the latest notable imperfections that are bugging me these days…
Tony Allen’s Allergic Reaction to Orange Leather
Although Tony Allen has shown some ability to create opportunities for his teammates on offense, do you ever honestly feel safe when he faces pressure while handling the ball at the point? Me neither, mostly because he acts as if his fingers are severely allergic to orange leather whenever dribbles the ball for too long. Yes, this space has previously advocated bringing a Gary Payton type onboard, not because we love loud-mouthed has-beens. Rather, we are concerned by the idea that a player with a weak handle becomes the starting point guard whenever Rajon Rondo goes down to injury.
Ray Allen’s Invisible Man Cream
Sure, the Celtics were able to win the glorified scrimmage against the Memphis Grizzlies and the epic road battle against the Pistons despite Ray Allen’s startling impression of thin air on offense. Yes, yes, history is obviously on Ray Allen’s side here. Even so, the long-term and likely playoff success of the team will be largely dependent upon Ray Allen’s ability to be consistent.
Kendrick Perkins’s Recent Propensity for Technical Fouls
Okay, so they still won the games despite the needless freebies provided to the opposition courtesy of Mr. Perkins. My greater concern is that he’ll go “Robert Parish on Bill Laimbeer” in one of these games and the Celtics will lose him to suspension. Remember the old saying: It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Rajon Rondo’s DVR Box
According to Rajon Rondo’s blog, his favorite television shows include The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will & Grace and The Love Boat. Okay, I made one of those up (but only one). Also, Oceans 11, 12 AND 13 were listed among his top seven movies. This is unacceptable. Color me officially concerned that the man charged with running the Celtics offense, a job that obviously requires sound judgment, has some highly questionable taste in television shows and movies.
We Aren’t the Champions (Yet), My Friends
It might be a little early to be cueing up the Freddy Mercury victory tunes. Nevertheless, all that seemed to be missing from the post-game Celtics celebration in Motown last Saturday was a tiny Dominican man and some cases of chilled champagne. I also felt the burning of Bill Laimbeer in effigy at halfcourt “for previous offenses against the delicate sensibilities of Johnny Most” was a bit over the top. As Papa Joe Paterno once notably advised, when you hit the end zone, try to act as if you’ve been there before.
I’m sure I’m missing some other infractions against perfection here but I remain ever diligent on the case to bring them to your attention. After all, if people can complain that the immense win against Detroit was “ugly” (as, to my amazement, some have), then nothing else is really out of bounds to kvetch about. Stay tuned.
